It Hurts

Why it hurts? That is the first question that comes into my mind after i realized the situation.

The first thing it happens, I know she was not for me. I know there are other guys that is meant for her. I never realized I have been developed on those times. It never comes into my mind that this will happen.

Until now, I lost my hope on her. I lost the essence of forward thinking...my neural network prediction does not work. I smiled as I am reading my neural network paper. It seems that this technology relates to my life. I was thinking before that even if in my heart is not deserving for her, time will come that the nothing is impossible. But now, it seems that my life fades, as from dawn to evening. An evening of no morning.

My life and my future as others said "You have a bright future." Indeed, God has a plan for me. My plans are not His plans. But part of my plan will never be realized. It was like creating a new road to cross the mountain and see what is behind, but now, those roads will never be realized. I am now looking on following the paths besides the mountain instead of crossing it. I know I will come to my destination, but it takes time.

I don't understand also why it hurts. In the first place, i anticipated this. But my heart cannot anticipate. It is blind, there is no neural network in it. I advised her that she is free. But my heart says...no she is mine. I hope that training my neural network will do in my heart.

I was hurt. I know its my fault and that is more painful. You know that you are wrong but you never do what is right. I am waiting for nothing. If somebody wants to pick my heart, its yours. Hope it will respond once again.


Love you dear.

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Vanz: The Uncertain Road

We are following a different path in life. There are instances that we crossed each others roads. Sometimes we change the road we follow. Change that you will never realized until you see the exact path. Others regret for the decisions they made in following the road they have taken. They realized that it might be good if they used another road.

But all roads are unknown to everyone. No one knows what's in the end or how the way it looks like. You can only prepare on how you encounter trials, pain, and even death. But still everything is nothing if you never unticipate the roads you are looking at. But sometimes, we need to take risks to try on that road.

Today, I am taking another road in my life. This is the road I never encountered before. I do not know why I was convinced to take this path. I do not even know this road. In this road, a lot of things I was thinking of. I am even disturbed because of this road. The only certain and give me the inspiration to take this is my feelings. I know feeling is uncertain too.

Maybe others may advise me not to try this road but I convinced myself that I will never be in this road again, so I need to try this. Whatever happens in this new life ventures, only the road knows.

I am just hoping that the road Vanz will make me strong and will never hurt me. How uncertain is this... but sometimes I need to be certain of what I am doing.

Characters in a Love Letter

It's already 5:15 in the morning. I have not slept yet and still trying to sleep. But there is still boggling in my mind. And it seems that i feel something inside, I noticed my tears come out. I don't know.

It's hard to teach one's heart. I've heard that before but now I realized, it's true. I confirmed this because I am experiencing it as of this moment, maybe this is the reason why it is hard for me to sleep until now. I can't deny the truth about whatI feel, and I think it is normal. This feeling slipped in my heart because I was not careful, I have not learned yet.

I was hurt. I can imagine how the character was used to express the feeling. I can imagine the rose that was given to a love one, and I can imagine the hugs that expresses the feeling. I was hurt. I can compare myself to a character in the love letter. It will never be a love letter without me. But sometimes I think it was my role. It's hard to be a paper, too. I am thankful I was not the paper.

But being a character is not enough to be me. I want to be a letter. I want to be the message of the letter and not the character. You know what is the feeling of a character in the letter? At first you feel the good and comfort because you were used. You haved realized your value and you make people smile.

But the reality is I wish to be the eyes that read the letter. I want to feel what my function is. Why do people cry in reading me, and why do people smile, angry or laugh. It was a very convincing observation, that encourages me to know me. And later, I notice my tears, I was indeed the character in a letter.

Maybe, that is the reason why I can't sleep until now. I write this to somehow release me. I can't be the letter... and I'm teaching myself to be the character. It has more value, and it touches human beings. The letter has less value without me, and can be considered a paper. But with me, it changes to something of value. Others may look at me as this, and they feel that it was good. Many are wishing to be in my place...but they do not know what is behind... they do now know how I was produced.

No one teaches me to be like this, only my tears can tell. No one sees me like this, but the characters can describe it.

Picture retrieved from http://www.wcg.org/lit/gospel/man%20crying.jpg

Dingy Room

My first room was in Room No. 3. The brightness of it and the view that is visible from the window is quite fresh in my memory. The hole of the rat under the dresser has never been changed until now. I wonder how they carefully maintain that hole when in fact every night I covered. The only thing that I don't like in the room is the heat of the sun coming from the window. I am not thinking of myself but my computer.

So, I decided to transfer to the room shall I described "dingy". It was dark, there is no night or day in this room. You can never see the sun nor the moon. It has artificial moon and stars, would you believe it? Yes, the glow in the dark that the previous occupant was placed. I can imagine I am living in a cave. The difference is I can't find any bats.

I have a friend that described my not sleeping at night habit as a vampire. Ohhh.... It was not appropriate at first, but later, living in this type of room seems parallel with what he said. It was weird but I feel the difference as I stay here for three months. It was not really dingy cause I clean it now. Although you can still observe the traces of dirt in the wall but the dirty white color still prevails.

Dark room is appropriate for me, and the heat of the sun that vampires don't like is also good for me. I am not a vampire anyway. Just the heat of the sun and the warm that it produces that I don't like. And of course I am thinking also of my computer.

This room that I described dingy was for me. I don't have roomate but the darkness sometimes produces something. Others maybe afraid of the situation but I am still powerful compared to them. If they exist, its hard for them to stay in this dingy room.

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No Hospitality Hospital

I was hospitalized two months ago. I have a fever for three days so I decided to let the doctor examined me. It was found out that I have dengue fever. The doctor advise me to stay in the hospital until my platelet count will be normal.

When I went to the admitting office and show the paper that I am to be admitted on that day, a staff let me filled-up an admitting form. A lot of questions were asked such as person responsible for payment and guardian of the patient and other information. I wrote my name on the patient of course at at the same time person responsible to pay the bill. After I gave the paper the staff asked me if I am the one to pay for my bills, I just nod. It seems that I am not welcome to the hospital. They required me to deposit P3000 and you will not be admitted without that amount. So I went out of the hospital and look for the nearest bank, withdraw and paid at the cashier. At last I was admitted.

It does not matter for me, the policy of the hospital that you need to deposit before you will to be admitted. I understand that they just want to be sure of the financial capability of the person. Of course hospitals pay the doctors, the nurses and other utilities. I just can't imagine the people that don't have the money.

I supposed doctors are their to cure or take care of the patients health. That's there duty. Hospitals I think do the same thing. Although its hard for them to exist without the financial matters but in times of emergency, hospital seems only for those who have the money. Money first before they will offer you their service. It's so sad to think that it really happens.

People in the hospitals takes care of the patient if you have the money. You can assure their service if you can give them something in return. They are only hospitable to those you can pay their service. Their goals is to fight death, diseases and prolong life. But if you don't have what they need, they choose to say goodbye to their goals. Their service is not free.

That is why, the hospitality of the hospital is for those who have the money.

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